Weakness or Hardness?

It doesn't matter what your habitual sin is.  God is calling you to true repentance before it is too late.  Yes, God's grace is always there for the asking, but sin can harden the heart in such a way that some people stop asking...

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I'm a Christian.  At least... I think I am... I want to share my story with you to warn you.

We all have our weaknesses, but we must learn to walk in His strength, if we don't... the price to pay... is too high. 

I understand weakness, I'm an addict.  I am a passionate person and generally I enjoy life, but the pattern in my life has been that something would discourage or anger me, something not going how I think it should...  Perhaps a fight with my wife or getting the cold shoulder, sometimes a problem at work or maybe even some problem with my children; Instead of facing it and dealing with whatever it was, I'd run for the comfort that was always there for me, even though it was a cheap counterfeit, even though it was wrong.   I would take my eyes off Jesus, the Kingdom, all I knew that was right- sometimes I would fall instantly, sometimes it would begin gradually, depending on how deep in the spirit I was when I started to drift. 

Before I would commit the sin, I always either justified it because of the challenges in my life, or else I somehow hardened my heart so I would not think about the fact that it is sin.  Later, after the fact, usually I was remorseful and would decide not to do it again, but once in a while I'd think, what if one day my heart would fail to "soften" back up.

It's been too hard.  I have been weak.  I've failed over and over.  I've lived on the roller coaster of sin and repentance for years, but I'm afraid the roller coaster came off the tracks.  I played with fire... and I got burned.  No, I didn't get "caught".  A lot of people get burned that way.  No, this is far worse.

In the past, even after the sin, I have tasted moments where my heart did stay hard, it was a blankness, a lack of passion towards God.  But each time, even after such scary episodes, God was gracious and led me to repentance.  But it's happened again, in fact just last night I fell into sin.  As I awoke this morning, instead of repentant, I was still angry at what pushed me into it. 

I failed the test, I missed the mark, and I wasn't even sorry for it.  In fact, I'm still not sorry.  Perhaps I will repent... but I fear I may have crossed the line.  God has warned me, I have heard the scriptures' warnings about a hard heart and continuing in sin, I've heard them ringing in my ears for years, and I knew they could apply to me- yet I ignored them all for a few moments of pleasure.

God have mercy on me! 

I feel so strange, I don't plan on falling again, I do not want to sin.  Perhaps you can call that repentance, but I feel that "blankness" again, a stoic lack of passion that is foreign to me.  Like a lost love for God. And it's not going away.

I have wondered how Esau could seek for repentance with tears and not find it.  Esau apparently was not ignorant, he knew what was right, and he regretted what he did.  But regret, even deep tearful regret must not be repentance.  I am afraid I may know how Esau felt.  Though I still know the facts about Christ's redemption in my head, somehow it feels disconnected from my heart.

I only hope God releases me from this state I find myself in right now, I can't describe it accurately. 

Though my heart feels hard, I am not turned over completely to sin as the word says can happen (Romans 1-26).  I am hoping that the Word and Spirit will call me again. 

I'm sharing this with you to warn you.  Can I still share my faith, can I finish the course?   Will this hardness ever leave?  What is to become of me?

I do not know.  God help me.

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